Want to live better? Just start asking

When I was young and naive, I had great contempt for connections and connections, and despised requests. It seemed to me that people who use the help of other people to achieve their goals were playing dishonestly. How wrong I was, and why you are missing out on great opportunities if you ignore the power of human relationships.

Never ask for anything!

In my youth, I was a fan of Bulgakov, and I was impressed by the words of Woland scattered into quotes: “Never ask for anything! Never and nothing, and especially for those who are stronger than you. They themselves will offer and give everything themselves!

Not to ask, not to depend on others, and to achieve everything on your own, seemed to me a very correct position. Now it seems to me blatant stupidity. Why?

Well, Firstly, because there are no people who have achieved everything themselves without someone else’s help. They do not exist already because someone had to raise them, educate them, teach them a lot of all sorts of things so that they become people. A person is formed and develops only in society and colossally depends on others. Whether he admits it or not is another question.

Secondlygreat things are not done alone, there is always a huge number of people who have contributed to the result.

Thirdeven when I gave myself an A that I figured it out on my own, without bothering anyone, and achieved results alone, I figured it out from books that someone wrote, used tools that someone made.

So let’s be honest, I avoided other people’s help, I avoided live contact and direct contact for help, and these are two big differences.

Why are other people the source of your well-being?

Money comes to us through other people. If you have a business, then you are paying customers, and you need to build relationships with them. If you are employed, then the employer pays, and your manager decides whether to continue the relationship with you or not.

Another example is you want to find a better job. It’s much easier to do this if you’ve built the right environment. For example, you keep a blog, which is subscribed to by the heads of departments of companies where you would like to work, HRs and specialists who can invite you to interesting projects. It is enough to throw a cry, I’m looking for, they say, interesting tasks, and you will be flooded with offers (I can say, because I had a similar experience).

However, people help to earn not only when they give money. When I start a new project, I always open my “notebook” and think about who to turn to for help?

For example, I can have tea with someone and discuss a new idea. It saves a lot of time – a person will ask me questions that I won’t ask myself, give me a couple of sensible ideas, point out opportunities that I don’t see myself. As a result, in a couple of hours, there will be enough clarity to design a website or presentation, rather than hatching a project on your own for another two weeks.

Then, when I start doing a project, I may need feedback or expertise on a particular issue, or an investment, or a team. All this can also be found in the immediate environment, if this is the right environment, and speed up the launch of the project at times.

Finally, the environment can serve as a source of support. For example, psychologists have intervision groups where you can analyze a difficult case with colleagues, and just groups where you can whine. All this helps psychologists to work better, learn faster, recover better.

But the environment itself is not enough. You need to be able to use its resource, and for this you need to be able to ask for help. Or, simply, to be able to ask. And here for many there is an insurmountable barrier.

to ask = to be humiliated

Before, I had a clear connection in my head: to ask = to be humiliated.

Bad advice. By the way, if you need a way to guarantee to create problems for yourself, then write down the recipe. You need to take two things that have nothing to do with each other and glue them tightly together. For example, to equate responsibility with guilt, requests with humiliation, and love with suffering. Works flawlessly. Don’t thank.

Where did I even get the idea that to ask is to be humiliated? It’s hard to say for sure, but I was scared that my request might be denied. Rejection was associated with rejection, and rejection with the idea that there was something wrong with me because I was being rejected, that I wasn’t important enough to this person, that my interests could be neglected. Even an imaginary rejection dealt a serious blow to self-esteem and was perceived as humiliation. Because of this, apparently, requests and humiliation took hold of the handles and became an inseparable sweet couple.

to ask = to impose

In addition, requests were associated with obsession. I think each of us has dealt with people who do not know the measure in requests, they always ask for help with something, without giving anything in return. It would be unpleasant to be such a person in the eyes of others, so I played it safe and did not ask for help, even when I really needed it.

to ask = to be due

There was also such a fantasy that, having accepted someone else’s help, one could find himself in an irredeemable debt. Let’s say a friend shelters you for a month in a strange city, and then he will make endless requests, because you did not stipulate the “price” of his kindness.

As a result, my fears of being rejected, being seen as intrusive, and having to pay for help all my life have erected a solid barrier between me and requests. I could only turn to very close and trusted people for help. With the rest, he was guided by Woland’s covenant “Never ask for anything!”

What helped change your mind?

It is often forgotten or not known that Woland parodies the Gospel of Matthew: “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened.” Well, I must admit that now the words of Christ seem more convincing to me than the words of the devil, and for that I must thank … Amadeus Palmer.

Amanda Palmer is a singer and the wife of Neil Gaiman (English science fiction writer). There is a remarkable fact in her biography, when Amanda’s relationship with the studio deteriorated, she raised a million dollars on Kickstarter for a new album in a month (it was in 2012), although she planned to collect only one hundred thousand. How did she do it?

But the fact is that Amanda had a dedicated fan club, which arose precisely because she learned how to masterfully build relationships with fans. She always answered letters, thanked at every opportunity, trusted and tried to help. As a result, people paid her the same coin. They could invite her to live with her when she toured, help with equipment, and when money was needed for the album, they raised an amount that exceeded the wildest expectations.

Amanda has written a touching autobiographical book Stop Whining. Start asking”, which I recommend reading to anyone who understands how valuable human relationships are, but is afraid to trust others and ask for help. At one time, she put my brains in place well.

This is a book about the power of vulnerability. After all, the most sincere and valuable moments between people do not arise when we are on horseback and fully armed, but when we are vulnerable, when we are open to others and depend on others. Amanda learned this very well, because before becoming a famous singer and collecting more than a million dollars for her album, Amanda collected alms. She stood motionless, depicting a statue of the bride, and when someone threw money into the box, she came to life and held out a flower. Amanda writes that this moment was the most precious. Her eyes said:

– Thank you. I see you.

And the eyes of the passer-by answered:

“No one ever notices me. Thank you.

Here is a quote from the book:

Almost every contact with a person comes down to the act itself and the art of asking. Asking for help, in and of itself, is fundamental to any relationship. We constantly, sometimes indirectly, and often without further ado, ask our bosses, spouses, friends, subordinates for something. It helps build and maintain our relationship with each other.

– Will you help me?

– Can I trust you?

– You will not deceive me?

“Are you sure that I can trust you?”

Most often, under all these questions, there is only a desire to know:

– Do you love me?

It is commonly believed that asking for help is a sign of weakness, but this is a misconception. Firstly, this is a reasonable assessment of your strengths, when you understand what you can do yourself and what you can’t. Secondly, you need to have a lot of strength to withstand failure. And they inevitably will. So adequate requests for help are a manifestation of a strong and mature personality.

Be grateful to others

The art of asking for help in a way that does not become a burden for others contains another important component – the ability to notice the value of other people and thank them for what they do for you.

People who are used to achieving everything themselves often unconsciously devalue the efforts of others and do not notice them (otherwise they would not consider that they have achieved everything themselves). For example, these are demanding leaders who believe that everyone is capable of doing better than others, husbands who believe that their wife has nothing to do on maternity leave and “how could you not wash the dishes, you were sitting at home all day.”

They rarely notice how much others carry on themselves, and with endless nit-picking and dissatisfaction, they destroy partnerships and demotivate others. By the way, such behavior is usually based on the fact that a person does not really appreciate and love himself, and does not know how to appreciate others.

From here follows an unexpected life hack. To grow your own value, you need to learn to appreciate others, see their contribution to the common cause and thank you when they help you. Oddly enough, gratitude for others fills the heart with peace and makes it easier to relate to yourself, your achievements and failures, because you perceive yourself as part of humanity, and not a lone hero.

When something good is done for you, even in small things, then it is worth trying to feel gratitude for every little thing. The child did not walk at night and let him sleep? Thank you child! Did your wife cook breakfast? Thanks wife! Did the employee close the task on time? Great, great employee! Did the client transfer money? God bless this client. If you focus on the value that others bring to life, then this value begins to grow, and there is more good. And more money is coming. And there is more harmony.

And as a side effect, other people are happy to respond to your requests, because your willingness to recognize their value and respond to their requests is seen as valuable to them.

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