Perhaps this is one of the most harmful and insidious beliefs.

There is one belief that has made many people unhappy, but they don’t even know it. This desire to be good. Unlike a bunch of other beliefs that don’t hide what they add to life’s problems, this looks white and fluffy. If you are a “good person”, then you can be proud of it. In fact, this is cause for serious concern.

What does it mean to “be a good person”?

In fact, this is where the key problem lies. People who strive to be good rarely think about what that means. Rather, they rely on the feeling that if their actions are commendable, then they are good. And if others begin to get angry at them or shame them, or turn out to be dissatisfied with them, then this immediately turns them into bad guys who disappoint everyone.

And it’s easy to disappoint others.

• Did you need more money and asked for a pay rise? Done – you are a mercantile person who thinks only of himself and does not feel loyalty to the project.

• Decided to take some time for yourself and did not go to the country to dig potatoes? It is immediately clear that you are a man with rottenness, not our man.

• You promised your wife and children that you would spend the weekend with them, and the boss asks you to go to work? Excellent – whichever option you choose, you will still remain bad for someone.

This is the goodness trap. All people want different things from you, their desires may not coincide with yours and even contradict each other, so a person who decides to be good without understanding what it means for him is doomed to permanent hell.

Why is it that so many people strive to be good by betraying themselves daily and choosing other people’s goals rather than their own? Because otherwise the deepest circle of hell awaits them

puppeteers

In my youth, I felt this hell very well when I read Robert Heinlein’s novel The Puppeteers. It is about how parasites landed on Earth, which cling to people and subordinate them to their will.

The main character falls under the influence of such a parasite. When he is rescued and asked to “put on” the parasite again for interrogation, he experiences a terrible panic attack.

– No, not me! Better to die! I won’t touch this creature again!

“All right,” they tell him, “we found another volunteer. Do you want to watch the interrogation?

The hero agrees, and when he comes to the interrogation room, it turns out that the volunteer is the girl he is in love with.

I read how the hero was torn in half by fear of the parasite and by a terrible hatred and resentment towards the girl, that he would have to sacrifice himself for her, because he could not put her at risk, and I wanted to cry, because this feeling of mutually exclusive demands was very familiar. And this feeling is familiar to every “good person”:

Choosing yourself always means betraying the rest

Didn’t give up your seat to grandma on the bus? Traitor. Borrowed money from a friend? Traitor. Dumped abroad when the homeland is in danger? Traitor. And the traitors, as Dante kindly informs us, are destined for the deepest circle of Hell – the icy lake Cocytus, and Lucifer instead of a cat. No wonder it’s so hard to let go of your goodness.

How Cocytus was poured

But let’s see, where did the idea that others are more important than you ever come from? Why is it that some grandmother on the bus or a beggar to whom you did not give money can cause such a storm of emotions? In a word, how did this inner hell arise, from which it is difficult to find a way out.

Firstly, it is very beneficial for everyone that you serve their interests. A good person is a handy person who will gladly do whatever is asked of him. He will serve a glass of water in his old age, come out on a day off so that the shareholders receive more money, close the loophole with himself.

Therefore, it is not surprising that everyone, in their own way, hammers in the idea that being good is the only true way to live. Both parents, and teachers, and the state, and the classics act as a united front on this issue.

Secondly, “goodness” gives an ephemeral sense of security. If you please others, then they are satisfied with you, and if they are satisfied, then they have no complaints against you. A good person will not be touched or offended, right?

Third, feeling good gives not only a sense of security, but often gives a sense of moral superiority in addition. Just like good must overcome evil, good people must defeat bad people.

Thanks to these three pillars, the idea of ​​“goodness” is a very stable construct. What to do for those who are tired of being in her captivity?

The antidote for “goodness”

You can, of course, go to extremes and become a bad boy: drive grandmothers from their homes on the bus and shit on neighbors on the rug under the door, but a more adequate and environmentally friendly way is to learn to value yourself more.

The idea of ​​“goodness” is based on the fact that other people are always worth more than you. You must sacrifice yourself to the young, because they are the future, and to the old, because they are weaker than you. Give way to a place in the queue, because someone else needs it, etc. Shut up the loophole and do not grumble, because good people do not grumble.

It is easy to see that this logic rests not so much on the fact that others are so magnificent that you have to give in to them, but on the fact that you are nothing of value. Or rather, you are only as valuable as they are convenient for others. The more you are willing to push your needs into a corner and devalue yourself, the more valuable you become – such a paradox.

The question arises: “How to learn to value yourself?”, But this is a conversation on a separate large material. If the article seemed interesting, subscribe to my telegram channelwhere I write about various mental traps and life hacks that help to cope with them.