How to work if you're grieving
Three years ago my husband was diagnosed with cancer. And two years ago – at my dad’s.
From the very beginning, it was scary and completely unclear how to live in general, let alone work and develop.
Now everything is fine, my loved ones were safely cured. Not long ago I began to notice that I could finally do simple things without effort that were previously very difficult. For example, wake up in the morning, have breakfast, and sit down to work.
Lately I've been thinking a lot about what I've been doing over the past three years, how I've been trying to cope with grief and live the life of an ordinary person: carrying out daily responsibilities at work and at home, communicating with colleagues and friends, switching to something new or immersing myself in processes everyday affairs.
In the process of reflection, it’s as if I’m talking to myself from that time – I say words of encouragement, suggest rest or distraction, and give some advice. Perhaps this is my way of letting go of difficult episodes in life, I don’t know. And maybe these tips can help someone who is going through similar things right now.
Grieve
When grief happens, the very first thing you do is try to react to it. Pretend that nothing happened or, on the contrary, plunge into it headlong and immediately. Either way, grief is hard. Grief happens to many people. And it happened hundreds of generations before us, so now we have ways of grieving that are understandable to everyone: crying, looking at the wall, wringing our hands, walking from corner to corner, feeling sorry for ourselves, or swearing out loud at fate. The sooner you can begin to grieve, the sooner you can accept that it happened, and therefore, the sooner you can begin to cope with it.
I can’t even dare to say “live your grief environmentally.” The point is not how to experience grief, but to at least somehow begin to do so. Sometimes it can be so scary that you don’t know how to keep your mind clear. At such moments, something unusual can happen, for example, you suddenly become rude to a colleague or react too emotionally to a discussion of some tasks.
In all atypical reactions to ordinary situations, try to track: is grief looking for a way out? And remember: crying is normal, lying without strength is also normal, sharing your experiences with someone is also normal. If you try your best to push away the awareness of grief at its very beginning, then you can delay the end of its experience. And this is very exhausting.
The best thing is to get behind yourself and give yourself time. Take a vacation or at least time off, don’t try to balance between urgent tasks and difficult thoughts. Work is an important part of life, but obviously there are more important things. For example, communicating with a loved one, helping him and yourself.
When my husband was diagnosed with cancer, I tried to pretend that it was not a horror or a blow for me (“everything is fine, we can handle it”). Naturally, to a greater extent so that he himself would feel better. Yes, it was my job to encourage. But when I was alone with myself, it was possible to let go of the reins. Now I understand that it was necessary not to extinguish my fear, but to at least somehow live it.
When my dad was diagnosed with cancer, I immediately allowed myself to grieve. He and I live in different cities, so we didn’t have to pretend to be strong 24/7. This helped me to come up with an action plan within a few minutes after confirming the diagnosis.
Talk
People are not telepaths. Even if these are your best friends, closest people or your psychologist. No one will understand what is happening to you if you don't talk about it.
During grief, you become hypersensitive to what other people say to you. Literally a bare wire that can take any awkward contact seriously. And people’s reactions are not what you want. Nine out of ten will say something along the lines of “everything will be fine.” But not because they don't care. More likely because they simply don’t know what to say in such situations.
But it may also happen that among the people with whom you decide to share, at least one will tell you exactly what will make you feel a little better. This person could be a colleague.
Try to tell the team lead about what happened to you. If you feel that you will not be able to take on large and important tasks in the near future, then it is better to communicate this. Ask them to understand that you are doing a task longer than the time actually planned for it. You may be able to agree on redistributing the load. The company may be able to help you financially or with additional vacation days. In any case, talk about how it’s hard for you to do your regular job right now. It is better to inform your manager or the team as a whole about your situation, and agree that on critical dates it is better not to plan important tasks.
On especially important days of treatment for my loved ones, I tried to keep up with something at work. It didn’t work; some of my actions resulted in mistakes and the need to redo everything from scratch. On the day of my dad’s surgery, I literally tuned in from the hospital porch. The efforts to get involved in work, coupled with severe stress, exhausted me to zero. Perhaps it was a way to stay afloat, an attempt to cling to something ordinary, but now I understand that this is not the best way. The best thing to do is take a vacation and not try to balance between important tasks and grief.
Do
In moments when events occur that you cannot control, the mind begins to look for options where it can still take control of something in order to somehow cope with stress. A good option is to simply do something that temporarily reduces the intensity of your anxiety. The essence of the matter is not so important, the main thing is the action itself.
It's the same with work. It is very difficult to get to the heart of the simplest task during grief. There are words and numbers, but to get to their meaning you need to wade through the thick fog in your head. But you can try to do simple things: draw a picture of what they write to you about. Match the two tables with arrows. Color the cells to see the main points. Gradually, you will be able to complete simple tasks in small steps.
Naturally, if it’s difficult for you, then it’s better not to force yourself, but just go on vacation. But if in general you feel enough strength to continue living in everyday life, then work is exactly that part of life in which you can perform familiar routine actions. Everything in this world will end, grief is no exception, it will come to its logical end in any case, it just takes time.
Thank you
When you deal with grief, you begin to look at gratitude from a different angle. More precisely, you begin to experience a wider range of sensations, which are commonly called gratitude. Including to material things, and not just to people:
– a job that allows you to have money for treatment
– books in the office library in which you can find an outlet
– view from the window, which helps clear your head
Any things that give rise to gratitude help you gain a feeling of solid ground under your feet. A good practice is to list these things periodically to awaken this feeling.
For example, I still love to sit with a mug of coffee in the kitchen of our team office because the window offers a peaceful view that was calming during difficult times. From here you can see the oncology clinic building. I admire him and feel only gratitude. At first I tried to talk myself out of feeling this way. Like, this can’t be done, this is the place where people get sick. But in fact, the feelings are only good: gratitude for the fact that people are helped in this place.
Move
At some point, a stage begins when grief still exists, but you can already integrate yourself into everyday life. The strength appears to not only eat and sleep, but also to do something else.
Emily Nagoski's book “Burnout” very clearly describes the mechanism of stress and ways to cope with it. One of the best ways is physical activity. Therefore, if you have the strength, you can help yourself with sports. Walk, run, go out with a bike. For example, in our team, colleagues gather twice a week for a yoga class – this is a gentle and practical way to try to disconnect from tossing and turning thoughts for at least an hour, without leaving the office. After your workout, you may feel better and have a little more energy to cope with your daily tasks.
It is unlikely that you will be able to completely cope with grief so that it goes away without a trace. I haven't succeeded yet. It has grown into life and, I feel, will accompany me for a long time.
But now I catch myself with the calming thought that I just need to get up, eat and sit down to work. No hospital appointments, no queues and no waiting for test results.
Just get up, just eat and do your tasks.
Great feeling.
