how to make friends as an introvert

A plate of fried potatoes, a juicy steak and a glass of wine. You can enjoy life and watch your favorite series until two in the morning. Living alone – what could be better? Eaten steak. Drinking wine. I make the bed, and for a moment it becomes chilly and lonely – again this acute feeling that life is wasted. Will I always be alone?

I know that a lot of people ask this question. They want freedom, but they get lonely, they want to find a mate, but they don’t grow together, they want love and tenderness, but in life there is only work and TV shows. Can this be changed?

Spoiler

I lived alone for seven years. Of course, I sometimes saw friends, parents and work colleagues, but there were few people in my life. The lack of communication became especially acute when I went freelancing and began working from home. It happened that for three days the only person with whom I exchanged words was a cashier in a supermarket, and these words were: “Hello. The package is not needed.

A lot has changed since then. I made new friends and many acquaintances. I got married, recently our child turned 3 years old. In retrospect, I realize that I have gone through a great evolution from a social phobe who was scared of people to a person who enjoys being surrounded by people (although I also like to be alone). How did this metamorphosis take place?

Pros of being alone

The desire to be alone does not arise from scratch. Loneliness has a lot of beauty in it.

The main plus of loneliness is the freedom to manage your life without regard to others.

Woke up from a thunderstorm at 3 am and wanted to walk barefoot in the rain? No problem. Decided to move to another city for a week? Gathered things and went. Want to lie on the couch and stare at the ceiling? Lie down and watch. Loneliness gives rise to a feeling of omnipotence: “I can do what I want! The world belongs to me!”

When you do not need to look back at others, take into account their interests and habits, you begin to be much more attentive to your needs, thoughts and feelings. Questions from the series come by themselves: “What do I really want? What is important to me? Loneliness makes me realize what is interesting for me, to separate the values ​​imposed by the environment from my own. This is first.

And secondly, loneliness protects against disappointment. Almost all problems in our life are problems related to people. People get hurt. One said something wrong, the second did not call, the fourth betrayed, the fifth was dumb as a cork, the sixth needed something from you all the time, and the third was always in the wrong place. Loneliness solves these problems at once.

No people – no problems 🙂

Thirdly, loneliness is romantic. Whoever you spit on, even in Eugene Onegin, even in Jack Sparrow, the main character is lonely, interesting and often misunderstood. A trifle, but nice.

Cons of being alone

I felt them keenly when I met people. When I was called to a friendly company, I experienced real throwing. I knew that I would feel awkward if I went. And I knew that I would not forgive myself if I did not go, because I still really wanted to meet people. I enjoyed meeting my family friends, but when I left them, I felt very lonely – such a chilly, unpleasant feeling, like being caught in a sharp draft.

I felt uncomfortable with people because loneliness turned into a flaw. It seemed to me that everyone understood that something was wrong with me if I was alone. He walked down the street, collided with the eyes of the girls he met and averted his eyes. I saw couples in love and felt envy. It is difficult to describe this feeling of some kind of disproportion with others, otherness, as if it had emerged from the depths of the ocean as some kind of goggle-eyed monster, and everyone is looking at you with curiosity, but they are in no hurry to get to know each other.

Weekend. Sometimes they went great, but sometimes … I panicked when I realized that I had no plans, that all my affairs were redone, all my thoughts were changed, I didn’t want anything, and I would just kill time. I go to the store, buy delicious food and cook it intricately, watch a series, and then, you see, it’s evening, and it will be possible to write this day off.

A painful feeling that I do not live, but just wait out life

A feeling that cannot be hidden behind the hustle and bustle of a healthy life…

Add to this the desire to meet “the one” and the realization that this will probably never happen.

Let’s add that the lack of people also means the lack of popularity and professional demand outside the narrow circle that knows that you are doing well. And it turns out that loneliness is such a pleasure. Why then was I alone?

What’s stopping you from making friends?

Remembering myself in the “period of loneliness”, I am amazed at how many troubles I had. To people who have not experienced such difficulties, these troubles may seem like a whim, but from the inside they looked like an absolutely insurmountable obstacle.

Firstly, I was tormented by the fear that I was not too interesting, I could not keep up a secular conversation, I had no idea what to answer the question: “How are you doing?” All this made it very difficult to get to know each other. And if you consider that because of my shyness they did not notice me, and the lack of mutual interest in itself caused suffering, a vicious circle turned out.

Secondlyneeding people, I tried my best to please them. I tried to adapt to their manner of communicating, smile more often, listen more. These efforts created a lot of tension and anxiety, I felt that I was losing my autonomy, that I was too involved in other people’s affairs, that it was difficult for me to defend my interests. I felt comfortable being alone when I didn’t have to pretend to be friendly and interested.

Third, since communication gave me a lot of stress, it often turned out to be crooked: I didn’t joke funny and felt stupid; I started to tell something, but they interrupted me, and I felt wounded; spoke too frankly – they laughed at me. Such “misfires” gave rise to a lot of shame, and shame is a feeling that is poorly tolerated. Therefore, I quickly concluded that something was wrong with my new acquaintances. They are boring, devoid of a sense of humor and tact, rude, and not seals at all!

From all this, a reinforced concrete conclusion followed. Few people can understand me. This is only available to a select few who are almost impossible to find. And the girl that I am able to love (and who is able to love me), she is the only one on the whole planet, and hell you will meet her. And if you meet, you will immediately understand this: “Love jumped out in front of us, like a killer jumps out of the ground in an alley, and hit us both at once! This is how lightning strikes, this is how a Finnish knife strikes!

It’s so amazing how ridiculous ideas about love can be 🙂

I think now you understand why I was alone for so long.

At the same time, I easily managed to build relationships with people at work and school. There one could take a closer look at a person, find a business (read, safe) reason for acquaintance and get to know him better. Sometimes these acquaintances grew into friendship, but even with friends I did not like to spend much time.

How things have changed

How did I manage to change my reclusive lifestyle? This was facilitated by a number of external circumstances that triggered internal changes that led to a change in external circumstances that stimulated internal changes that …

The habit of being among people

It all started with the fact that I met a person with whom we decided to create a marketing agency, and in order to save on office costs, they began to work at my home. As a result, we spent the whole day together, plus we had to communicate a lot with clients and our team. After a period of seclusion, it was difficult, but gradually I got used to being among people. However, globally, nothing has changed in my worldview. I was still afraid of companies and believed that serious relationships did not shine for me.

People aren’t that scary…

The perception of the world began to change when I went to group therapy. Group therapy is a good exercise for shy people living out their fantasies about other people. The main effect of group therapy is that you realize that all people are alike. Everyone has their troubles, difficulties, fears, everyone wants happiness, respect, recognition, love, everyone is trying to achieve this, albeit sometimes in very crooked ways.

The cool thing about group therapy is that it taught me:

• clarify what people think. This is important, because a huge pile of conflicts and a desire to stay away from everyone arise from fantasies that other people think nasty things about us.

• talk about your needs. At the group, I learned, for example, to attract attention to myself: “Friends, give me time, I need to puff” and defend my interests: “Listen, I don’t need advice now, I want you to support me.” It helped to be in contact with people, not to ignore their own needs and to maintain autonomy.

• appreciate yourself more. The group members talked about what my personal qualities they like, for which they appreciate me. This feedback boosted my confidence and, as a result, I was much easier to withstand criticism. Now I no longer fell into shame if the communication went wrong: “Yes, I didn’t manage to make a funny joke, so what? Happens”.

• easier to treat yourself and others. When self-confidence appears, you no longer need to seek solace in fantasies of your imaginary superiority. How before? “Although my life is a complete mess and there is nothing to brag about, but in fact I am wow! It just hasn’t shown itself yet.” At the same time, this allows you to see in other people just people with their own characteristics, nishtyaks and weaknesses, and not fantastic ideals or miserable nonentities.

You may get the impression that the group is to blame for all my changes. This is not entirely true, the group allows you to recharge your confidence and try new behavior first in a safe situation on the group itself, and then transfer it to everyday life.

Love!

And then I really liked one girl, and I called her on a date. And if earlier it would hardly have gone well, because I would definitely wind up myself, fantasize that I don’t like it, and ruin everything, now everything went fine. The first date was followed by the second, and a year later we got married.

And now, comparing my feelings from loneliness and from living together, I can say that it’s much better together (and I say this not only because my wife reads me :)) It’s hard to explain, but a loved one, as if complements, makes you whole and more harmonious.

Present yourself to the world

Of course, against the background of everything else, this is a trifle, but I would like to note the training, which also launched interesting changes. The funny thing is that it was a training in … vocals. And what about the vocals?

But tell me, can you afford to sing loudly? Most people need vodka and karaoke for this, otherwise it’s strange and indecent. But in the same way, in our culture it is not customary to shine, attract attention, be noticeable, and in general – to be. In order for the voice to open up, you need to be liberated, and a fair part of the training was devoted to not holding back, straightening your shoulders and finding a voice.

The results were interesting. We yelled songs in chorus for three days, and the voice did not sit down, although for this I just need to talk loudly for a couple of hours (for example, give a lecture to a large audience). But even more curious is that immediately after the training I started a blog, where for the first time I dared to publish personal texts and exhibit my drawings.

Instead of output

The way out of loneliness took three years, and was both the result of my efforts and a fortunate combination of circumstances, which, however, still had to be able to use. Although each of us has our own path, looking back, I understand that it would be easier for me if someone shared their thoughts and experiences with me – then I would feel less alone and cut off from people.

Now I run a free telegram channel Vopreki, which just professes the idea that you can change your life for the better in spite of any circumstances. Get out of depression, loneliness, find your place in the sun, if you don’t give up and keep going. Subscribe, suddenly it will become a reliable support for you.