how to calm down and be yourself

All people worry about something: illness, quarrel, change of job or place of residence. But sometimes our anxiety accumulates and turns into a barrier that prevents us from achieving our career goals. Paradox: in addition to real danger, we often anticipate a potential threat, and in our eyes it begins to look more significant than it actually is.

My name is Veronica, I am the head of the analytics department. This article was inspired by Kathleen Smith's book Managing Anxiety. It was a discovery for me, so I recommend the book for reading. I didn’t realize how anxious I was: unreasonable fears prevented me from moving forward for a very long time.

Typical anxious thoughts of an analyst:

• The manager will find a mistake in setting the task and fire him.

• I’ll come to the developer with a question, and he’ll think I’m stupid.

• I will never be hired for another job.

• The customer is not involved in our conversation, something is wrong with me.

We are all very different, each of us has our own “anxiety sensor”. Mine went off scale at any sideways glance or the slightest expression of dissatisfaction on the part of a fellow analyst, developer, manager, or Customer. At some point, I realized: to become a leader, I need to change my strategy and learn to live with my anxiety.

I want to tell you about my experience with anxiety throughout my career as an analyst. In the article I will analyze how I became an analyst, why it is so important to calm down, what opportunities I missed because of anxiety, what successes I have achieved by learning to negotiate with my anxiety. I hope my example will help someone move forward, because everything is not as scary as it sometimes seems. When there is no anxiety, a truly bottomless ocean of energy opens up within us.

First interview

I have never liked interviews, and in both directions: neither going through them, nor conducting them. My anxiety usually made any interview hellish.

Situation: I am looking for a job as an analyst after graduating from a prestigious university with an IT specialty. I only went to one interview and was rejected. After the first unsuccessful attempt, I chose the strategy of applying only to vacancies in related professions: project administrator and technical writer. It seemed to me that this way I had a better chance of finding a job. As a result, I started my first job as a technical writer, and not as an analyst, as I dreamed of.

An interview is an inevitable stage of the search. After working through the errors, I now understand that:

1) Refusal provokes anxiety. But you shouldn’t give in to it, it would be better to look at the situation objectively – you can calmly survive the refusal.

2) Don't embellish your abilities. At the interview, I tried too hard to look smart and knowledgeable, but this is what led me to failure. Have you ever embellished your abilities and knowledge during an interview? This is anxiety. I was asked something about designing microservices, but I was okay with choreography and orchestration.

Over the years, I've changed my approach to interviewing. I started to start from what I wanted, and only then see how it correlated with the wishes of the employer. I focused on myself and my professional goals, and before the main goal was to please a potential employer. The new approach reduced anxiety and, accordingly, increased the number of successfully completed interviews.

I'm an analyst. Relationships with colleagues

There was constant anxiety in the office. Moreover, not only I was alarmed, but also my colleagues. How else can I explain that the project manager asks me to stay late at work via Telegram, although we just had coffee together? The easiest way to get rid of anxiety is to run away from it physically or emotionally. It turns out that the manager distanced himself from me, preferring to convey unpleasant news in correspondence rather than in person, despite close personal communication. At meetings, fellow analysts constantly argued about whose task this was, which of the guys should do it. Conflicts temporarily relieved anxiety, because if my opponent was wrong, then I could calm down. We discussed our “front-line soldier,” but no one could tell him personally that he was working carelessly. By discussing it among ourselves, we relieved the tension for a short time. I was doing the work for the intern analyst when I could have given him a chance to learn how to do the tasks himself. Of course, it’s easier for me to do everything myself than to worry about watching his awkward attempts to do the work.

What did this scenario lead to:

— I constantly thought about how developers and fellow analysts would evaluate my tasks. Doubts arose inside whether my production was detailed enough, whether everything was described correctly from a development point of view.

— If I knew that my problem would be proofread by a senior analyst, I spent more than usual time rewriting the problem statement. But if you think about it, at this point you could have saved three times as much time. I was afraid of not living up to expectations, of not coping, of not meeting high standards.

“I wanted to distance myself from the manager who expected quality results from me.

“I constantly pretended that I could do more than I really could.” It takes a lot of energy! It is very difficult to wear the mask of a competent analyst every day.

— In every colleague there seemed to be competitors and rivals.

When I came to the office and no one greeted me, my anxious thinking told me: “They all don’t like you!” The fear of rejection made me mistakenly think that my colleagues did not accept me. In reality, everything turned out differently; it was worth taking the first step towards your colleagues. When arguments and chaos arose at an analyst meeting, anxiety told me: “You have to clean up the mess!”, although this is a normal work process, just not all people are as organized as I am.

What helped improve the situation? First of all, I tried to change my attitude towards the team. I began to treat my colleagues as a team with whom we have common goals, stopped seeing people as competitors, and started to get closer. I began to seek support from my colleagues, stopped waiting for praise, and overreacting to criticism. In general, I calmed down. This brought me closer to the feeling of “being myself” and normalized relationships in the team. Energy began to go into tasks, and not into anxiety.

I'm a subordinate. Relationships with the manager

My anxiety manifested itself most strongly in my relationship with my manager.

I constantly expected approval from him, and if this did not happen, I believed that I had performed the task poorly. When a manager showed more attention to a fellow analyst, I became jealous. Harsh statements provoked thoughts that I was about to be fired, and I went to update my resume. After such situations, I began to avoid the manager and tried to resolve issues without him, which clearly did not benefit the common cause.

I tried to abstract myself and look at the situation from the outside. Self-analysis showed: in fact, I am a good analyst, but very restless! If I don’t worry about every message, don’t rewrite task statements 100 times, choosing my words, don’t avoid my manager, but resolve issues with him directly, then I’ll get more done in the same time. It was necessary to shift the focus from outside to yourself, to your work.

I saw a pattern: the boss praises – I feed on praise, the boss is indifferent – I feel uncomfortable. To abstract myself in my case meant to stop treating him as a source of approval or condemnation, and to see him as simply a person and a colleague. I no longer felt threatened by my boss, it became easier to resolve disagreements, and my productivity increased.

I'm a leader. Team Leadership

And so I became the head of the analytics department. Immediately after taking office, I set out to rewrite regulations and change processes. But instead of teamwork, I encountered resistance to new ideas.

As a response, my alarm control turned on: I checked with the analyst about the status of tasks 5 times a day, and got into the details of the settings. It seemed to me that the analysts were careless about maintaining the knowledge base for the project, so I constantly checked it and added something there myself at night. I began to get very unsettled by corporate events during working hours, which is why it seemed to me that it was because of them that we did not have time to close the sprint on time.

I was very annoyed that subordinates performed tasks less efficiently than I did. I compared myself with them and believed that I would have done things differently, faster and with better quality. At the same time, concentrating on their tasks, I lost sight of mine. The deadlines were constantly pressing, deadlines and processes were burning… And I also began to burn out. I began to think: on the one hand, my personal anxiety and the thought “I’m unsuccessful” led to a new position, on the other hand, my anxiety as a novice manager collided with the worries of my employees.

Something in my approach needed to change again. I finally realized that I was taking on too much:

— I control analysts too much.

— I climb in with help before the analyst comes with a question.

— I do all the serious and urgent tasks myself, worrying that the analyst won’t be able to cope or simply won’t have time.

— I deal with the tasks of analysts more often than with the tasks of the head of the analytics department.

— Lost my work-life balance.

Start delegating

I knew and heard about delegation, but in difficult situations I began to panic, pulling the blanket from the analysts to myself. Of course, the analysts were only too happy that I was taking some of their work, and they readily gave it to me. In the moment it calmed me down, but I also understood that a little more and I would choke. And then, by doing the work for the guys, I prevented them from developing and growing professionally.

I tried to change my focus and focus on the long term. If I spend time and give the analyst the opportunity to figure out the problem, then next time he will do it himself, freeing up 4 working hours for me. If this task is not done as well as I would like, the team as a whole will not lose anything. Therefore, let the analyst do it, and with experience he will learn to perform it with better quality. So, coming to terms with my anxiety, I began to delegate.

Give more attention to less effective employees

Since I became a manager, my time to communicate with the team has greatly decreased. I had a superstitious attitude: communication with leading analysts leads to success, and I avoided less productive analysts – it was easier to turn a blind eye to existing problems in the team. However, I soon began to notice that they were annoyed by my increased attention to the leaders and this forced me to turn 180 degrees. Despite my internal discomfort, I moved towards rapprochement, because the only chance to straighten out relationships in the team is communication. The alarming confrontation has subsided.

Control your emotions

It was very difficult to remain calm in those moments when I felt that analysts did not understand my innovations. I was upset and offended. And if earlier I tried to explain to everyone that the new regulations make work easier, now I chose to focus on myself. The realization that only I control my emotions led to the understanding that I am not responsible for the emotions of my subordinates. I shouldn’t convince them and please them; I should cover my work goals. I can speak out, but I can’t force everyone to agree with me.

Conclusions

1) Anxiety is the body’s innate ability to react to real or potential danger.

2) Often anxiety becomes a barrier that prevents us from moving forward, developing, and reaching new heights.

3) By focusing on ourselves and our professional goals, instead of looking outward, we reduce our anxiety and allow ourselves to take a step forward.

4) Stop treating your colleague or manager as a source of approval or condemnation, try to see him as just a person. This will reduce anxiety, it will become easier to resolve disagreements, negotiate, and communicate.

5) Determine your principles and, based on them, you can overcome anxiety and make an important decision for yourself.

6) Don't take on too much. Overwork leads to burnout and your employees won't grow.

7) You are not responsible for the emotions of your subordinates. Don't seek approval, act according to your principles and professional goals.

8) Group resistance is normal. Trust your mind, not your anxiety.

9) Learn to negotiate with your anxiety, and nothing will stop you on your way!