how to avoid conflicts

Hello! Sergey Kozlov, director of Megaplan, is with you.

At the beginning of the year, the editorial staff of our company “researched the flora and fauna” of the IT department far and wide. And our developers, having read this “research”, smiled (how could it be otherwise?), but caustically remarked that it was somehow unfair to dissect them piece by piece and remain silent about themselves, that is, about everyone else who is outside the development. We agreed (how could it be otherwise?), so today we’re all about learning: we’re studying the “inhabitants of the office jungle.” I’ll immediately warn you that although the article is translated, it is adapted to our reality, therefore without references to American cinema and books. And if you haven't read it yet about developersthen be sure to read after this article.

A few words about who we mean by inconvenient people. Well, for example, those colleagues who ask inappropriate questions or chat incessantly, making it difficult to concentrate on business. How to deal with impudent people, insolent people and cynics if you work with them in the same company and you have to communicate?

The author of the original article identified 9 annoying personality types that occur both at work and outside of it, and asked psychologists and communications experts for recommendations on how to deal with them without entering into conflict.

1. Complainant

You definitely know such people. For them, lunch is too expensive, the music is too loud, no one around is doing a damn thing, and in general, life is suffering.

The complainer is precisely the person who believes that life is unfair to him. If you want to learn how to interact normally with such a thief of good mood, start with empathy. In general, this advice applies to all inconvenient people.

Give the complainer a little more control over the little things: let him choose the restaurant so you can focus on communication instead of discussing local prices. On the contrary, ask him to talk about his concerns, and then direct the conversation in a positive direction, focusing on the positive.

2. Arguer

You say today is a good day. He says it's too hot. You read a great book, but for him it is the worst book he has ever read. You are saying that he deliberately contradicts you. But he openly declares that it only seems to you.

A debater is like an eternal opponent, someone who simply loves to argue. Sometimes dialogue with him can be fun, but more often it irritates and causes aggression. The eternal opponent cannot always separate one from the other. So while you argue to prove that you are right, he argues for the sake of arguing and therefore always wins.

What is the best way to behave during such a battle? The arguer needs the argument itself, so choose your objections carefully. If the topic of the dispute is insignificant, it is best to agree. This doesn't mean you should lie. Try saying on a specific issue: “I agree with you on this” or “I perfectly understand your point of view” – if you suddenly do not agree with any of the arguer’s arguments. And then change the subject.

When you want to defend your position, it is best to argue by focusing on the details. Sometimes you can distract a person from an argument by asking about something related to their personal experience in this area. Asking questions like “How did you come to this opinion?” or “Has anything like this ever happened to you?”, you will be able to move the conversation from the plane of competition of opinions to personal stories. What if it turns out that the disputant’s opinion has some basis?

3. Chatterbox

If you can't finish a story or even a sentence in a conversation, you're probably dealing with a chatterbox. Despite the harmless nickname, such entities can be quite annoying. If a complainer steals good vibes, a talker is a thief of stories. These people identify with what you're talking about and then chime in with a personal story.

It may seem like the chatterbox is constantly trying to one-up you, but that's not true. He may be anxious, uncomfortable with silence, or simply very worried and therefore jabber.

For example, there are many talkers among children. They almost always verbalize everything they see, hear, or think. Grown-up talkers don’t give you a chance to speak; they have their own story for every remark you make. And since they chat at the speed of light, you may not even notice how you fall into this tedious conversation trap. And after the meeting you will feel annoyed that you were not given the floor.

The next time you meet, try using a phrase that you probably least expect to hear right now: “Tell me something else!”. Pick a topic and let the chatterbox exhaust it. Ask questions and listen with interest. When the talker has exhausted his supply of stories, his need to be heard will be satisfied, and then it will be your turn. Start your part with the phrase: “I love your stories, but I have one for you too.”. And go ahead, because now you are the master of the situation.

4. Gadget addict

There are few things more annoying than someone who is constantly checking their phone. It begins to seem that the person is bored with you or that what is in his phone is much more important to him. None of this is true, except for one thing: if someone is engrossed in a conversation, they will definitely forget about their phone.

The next time you meet someone who is addicted to gadgets, remember that their habit has nothing to do with you. Sometimes we give this behavior much more meaning than it really does. Perhaps he is just nervous or worried about something: what if his friend got a flat tire or his friend’s child got sick?

You don’t know what’s going on on his phone at the moment! So, instead of taking a belligerent approach and telling off your interlocutor, focus on making your conversation as interesting as your social media feed. Or you can simply ask the question: “What’s so interesting about it?” Most likely, a well-mannered interlocutor will apologize and put the phone away as soon as possible. But if he names the reasons for his behavior, we will have to talk about them.

To avoid falling into the trap of such a character, say in advance: “I would like to have a normal conversation. How about we leave our phones in the car/office?” If the interlocutor is really waiting for an important message, he will tell you about it, and you will not screw yourself up by thinking that he is bored with you.

5. Political antagonist

Oh no, this person’s views are radically different from yours! He has read all the latest news and is ready to defend his point of view. No team, be it a work team or a family, is immune from political disagreements.

Like an eternal opponent, a political antagonist loves to argue, only he has a different goal – to change your mind. Neither of you two is ready to change their position; you are ready to stand your ground until the end. Typically, a political antagonist chooses as an opponent only those whom he considers a worthy intellectual opponent.

Politics and religion have long been taboo topics. However, a high degree in communication may mean that you learn to express your point of view, challenge someone else's opinion and thus broaden your horizons. Strive for productive and informative debate, rather than avoid it. As we know, truth is born in disputes. But feel the edge.

A pointless argument begins where people get personal and insults are uttered. If you feel like you're approaching the point of no return, it's best to slow down. Is your interlocutor angry or has become aggressive? So it's time to wrap things up. Try saying: “Sorry, I didn’t know it was so important to you.” And change the subject: “It's time for tea! Do you want black or green? (Because we all agree to tea.)

6. Tactless joker

It is no exaggeration to say that in every office there is such a character: loud and arrogant, his opinions have not changed since the late 1990s, and then, when you are sitting at the common table in a meeting, he makes an inappropriate joke. An ominous silence hangs in the office. There are several reasonable explanations for the tactlessness of such jokers. Either they are not aware of their prejudices, or they deliberately engage in provocations, or they are simply intolerant of other opinions.

Should you fake a chuckle to keep the peace, or make a scene over his racist, sexist, classist, homophobic “joke”? Depends on the situation. If the joke was directed at someone present, you may need to intervene and say something in that person's defense. Sometimes silent witnesses cause the same pain to the offended person as the joke itself.

But you don't have to blame the prankster for his disgusting behavior and expect him to change his behavior. He won't do it. Just say: “Ivan, this is not good” or “I think it sounds offensive. I know that's not what you meant at all.”. The joker is unlikely to insist that he acted intentionally.

If a comment is so offensive that it causes a reaction, try criticizing the joke rather than the person. For example, like this: “I think this is a bad joke because…” You can discuss the details with the joker later in a private conversation, since every inappropriate joke contains a share of unspoken irritation. If you manage to find a reason, it is quite possible that the joker will understand that he did wrong and will be more restrained next time.

7. Drama Queen

He's a talker on steroids. A drama queen (or less often a king) is someone who also dominates the conversation, bombarding you with stories of crazy things that happened to them this “worst week.” These events certainly don't compare to the boring details of your week, so don't even try to get a word in!

This person always exaggerates events because he wants to be the center of attention. But alas: the more he strives to capture the attention of the public, the less interesting he becomes. We try to avoid such people because communicating with them drains energy. But alienating others for them is a reason for even more active actions. They drain people emotionally, and when your energy is low, they manifest themselves even more strongly. The drama queen desperately wants your attention, she is afraid that one day she will lose it, so she puts on a show in the hope that you will not turn your back on her.

A drama queen may seem like she's expecting royal treatment, but deep down, she wants to know that you would want to interact with her without the drama. Resist the temptation to interrupt and set communication boundaries that you both need to respect.

Explain very clearly what you are ready for and what you are not ready for and in what option: “Let’s reschedule lunch for a week and talk when you feel better.”. The drama queen may be very angry at the moment, but she secretly loves a healthy, adequate relationship that shows that you can be truly intimate and not play close.

8. Two-Faced Friend

The most difficult character to communicate with at work. He will be your friend and enemy in equal measure. One day your friend is funny and wonderful and you get along great with him, and the next he is listless and angry and you have no idea why.

A two-faced friend is a passive-aggressive person who suffers from self-doubt. He looks at you askance when you do a good job because it makes him feel insecure. To assert himself, a two-faced friend desperately tries to undermine your self-esteem.

When dealing with a two-faced friend, protect yourself by recognizing negative judgments and not taking them to heart. Imagine he's shooting at you with a bow, but you have a choice: dodge the arrow (A), let it pierce you and hurt you (B), or catch the arrow and stop it (C). Options A and B are much easier, but option C is better if you want to dot the i's and change the relationship. To start a difficult conversation, ask: “Your attack doesn’t seem sincere to me. Did you really mean that?”

To turn a two-faced friend into a sincere and real one, you will have to talk a lot. Tell us what you are looking for in a friendship and what you are willing to offer. But if he can't or won't discuss it, don't bring it up again.

9. Nothing personal

Unsolicited comments about someone's love life, your best friend's divorce, and a story about what just happened in the bathroom are all signs of someone without boundaries. This person talks too much or demands details from you that you don't want to share. What he considers acceptable information is different from your idea of ​​acceptable.

Most often, the interlocutor, who seemingly has nothing personal, is simply trying to get closer to you by telling more about himself and hoping that you will be just as frank with him. We tend to label these people as nosy, tactless or rude, but in reality they just want to be accepted.

However, when they cross the line, don't be shy (they're not shy) and say you're uncomfortable: “Oh no, this is personal!” A compliment also works great with someone who talks too much about themselves because it steers the conversation away from you, subtly guarding your personal boundaries.

Take note of the tips listed and apply them when communicating with those who make you feel awkward. And it doesn’t matter whether you communicate on work issues or personal issues, whether they are colleagues or just your acquaintances. We are in favor of reaching agreement rather than conflict.