Gaslighting at Work
When we talk about gaslighting, we mostly mean personal relationships (partners/husbands/wives). But it's not often written about at work, and yet there it is, wow… flourishing.
The insidiousness of gaslighter manipulation is that the victim often does not realize what is happening to him/her. What has no name in your language – a person is vulnerable to. “Give the demon a name and you can defeat it.”
Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse that changes your worldview to make you doubt the reality around you, your own strengths, and your adequacy.
Why does the gaslighter do this? Sometimes it seems that he has no motive to sink you (after all, you are not competitors, for example), but!
Sometimes people do it just for the sake of power (and enjoy it)
Out of envy (he understands that you are a great specialist and he doesn’t want to look pale in comparison to you)
Exploit you (let's say you do this and that, and I'll add to it, systematize it and present it to the owner). Sounds familiar, right?
A tame scapegoat. It's always convenient to shift responsibility for some kind of bl…puncture onto you.
It's a habit, they don't know any other way
Gaslighters seek power and control by devaluing your work, your feelings, and your perception of reality. Unlike narcissists, who seek recognition, compliments, and applause, gaslighters want to manipulate, although they may not realize it at times. It’s just their programming—their only way to survive is to destroy or use other people.
It is important to be aware and understand what is happening and to call a spade a spade. Manipulations can be wrapped in a very beautiful wrapper (care, desire to do a cool project, “I want the best”, “I advocate for a common cause”, etc.).
The best defense against gaslighters is to minimize communication, but it is not always possible… if you don't want to make any sudden moves (you have a wonderful, interesting job, but… there is a fly in the ointment), then you will have to, oh Gods! – work on yourself, on your thoughts, on your inner state. And clearly see the manipulator and all his tricks.
It is important to train this skill – to see gaslighting and manipulation. The one who looks into a dark room more often is the one who navigates it better. Let's look into this abyss (but don't look too hard, or it will look into you). Because gaslighting can cause counter-gaslighting and a spiral of aggression… it's contagious.
So:
If you have a constant feeling of guilt. You are a good specialist and confident in your work, and he constantly picks on you and constantly comes up with reasons why you are guilty… This is a wake-up call! He wants you to walk with your head down, constantly make excuses, shuffle your feet and try, go out of your way to fix the situation. This is where we are often caught, in our culture, instilling guilt is a cultural code.
Condescending care. These are “rescue” manipulations, here they are trying to put you in a childish position. It is important to see the one who is mimicking this “friend”. First they will create a problem, then they will tell you the solution and they live on this difference. A very advantageous position: firstly, there is no obvious aggression and it is more difficult to identify such a person, secondly, here they create the illusion of expertise, an “older brother” and a caring colleague.
Inflating the problem. Sometimes the problem is not worth a damn, but the gaslighter will cling to it like a tick and start making a mountain out of a molehill. He tries to make you think that what you did is a complete disaster and an apocalypse! So that you apologize, regret and fixate on all sorts of meaningless nonsense.
Devaluation and criticism. It is much easier to criticize than to suggest. The critic's position is very convenient and you can always tell him later – what are you saying! This is constructive criticism! This is so that everything will only get better! No need to be offended, you are too sensitive!
Was it?
Seizing the initiative. You have prepared a cool project, but your presentation and rhetoric skills are not the best. He quickly seizes the initiative and starts giving “valuable advice”. As a result, everything looks like it is his project and he came up with it all.
If your self-esteem is plummeting and you feel like you're doing everything wrong… even though you're not some newbie, then chances are good that some toxic person has already settled in and is enjoying your state of incomprehension.
If you are a great specialist, but modest and not very knowledgeable in psychology, then you are just a godsend for a manipulator. Feast of the spirit. For him, it is a constant release of dopamine to subjugate you and use your talent and efficiency for him.
But there is good news – the skill to see manipulation we train like all other skills. There is another unpleasant trait that you need to monitor in yourself – “Stockholm syndrome”, yes, unfortunately, some people start to love gaslighters and allow themselves to be exploited for years. You need to monitor your thoughts, feelings and actions. If you are at a dead end – but feel that something is wrong, spare some money for a psychologist.
Basically, don't let them stick their hand up your anus and make you a puppet.
