Communication difficulties. How to overcome shyness and stop being afraid of people
There are happy people who have no problems with communication, and everyone else. If you’re scared to meet new people, feel uncomfortable asking questions even when you have to, or find it difficult to get your point across, check out this article.
Context decides
You may think that you are a shy person who finds it difficult to communicate with people, but most likely this is not entirely true. Most likely, difficulties do not always arise and not with everyone, but relate to very specific situations. Here are some examples where you can recognize yourself.
Difficult to meet first. For example, you are at a party. You see an attractive girl, we would be glad to meet you, but you have no idea how. My head is spinning: “If you were a sock, we would be a great couple.” And you understand that with such tackles you are destined to be alone for the rest of your life.
Difficult to maintain small talk. There are situations when you need to easily and naturally communicate on secular topics with people whom you have just met at a party; with clients until they move on to business matters; with friends whom you haven’t seen for a long time, and you can’t get a word out of yourself.
Difficult to ask a question. The manager talks about the new project and asks: “Is everything clear?” And you don’t understand anything, and the project seems crazy, but you nod so as not to seem like a fool.
Difficulty expressing your opinion. The team discusses the project, you share a cool idea, but it does not resonate. You are afraid to argue and insist on your own, and you give up.
As you can see, all these situations are different. It happens that it is difficult to get acquainted first, but if they get to know you, then there are no problems. It happens that it is easy to talk about business, but small talk is difficult. It happens that you are comfortable with people, but only as long as you do not need to confront them. That is why before you pass judgment on yourself that communication with people is not your forte, it is worth identifying situations when problems arise.
The worst fear
What emotions do you usually feel if you find yourself in a situation where you are uncomfortable communicating? This is probably embarrassment, embarrassment or anxiety. However, if you dig deeper, behind these experiences, like behind a smoke screen, lies the fear of rejection.
Alas, we are social animals that find it very difficult to survive without a pack, so exclusion from society has always been a terrible threat to humans. That is why everything that hints at this exception (and the possibility of rejection hints very clearly) scares the hell out of me.
Came up to meet a girl, and she ignored you. Asked the manager a question, and he looked at you like you were an idiot. Diligently maintain small talk and talk about the weather, and it seems to you that everyone hates you and thinks: “What kind of snowstorm is he bringing?”
All these situations are united by the feeling that something is not right with you, that you can be overlooked, devalued, ignored, that you are an empty place, that others are better off without you.
This feeling is so unpleasant that many people do everything to never experience it. “I don’t need anyone,” they say. “It’s easier without people.” Or they consider everyone around them idiots – this also reduces the pain of unsuccessful attempts at contact.
The question arises how to reduce the fear of rejection and learn to enjoy communicating with people. There are several ways, tried on personal experience, that turned out to be working.
Set conversation rules
In my youth, I shied away from people, and there was no question of being the first to start a conversation. However, even then I discovered that there are situations in which I very easily get along with strangers. These are situations in which the rules of conversation are set – just get on the rails, and communication will go by itself.
Most often, this situation can be found in training. For example, when I studied to be a psychologist, we were constantly seated in pairs, where one person played the role of a client, and the other a psychologist, and were given a task, for example: “Tell me about the 5 most significant events in your life.” In such a situation, three problems disappear at once that interfere with fruitful communication:
no need to guess how to get to know a person – you have already been put in pairs, it remains only to introduce yourself and start a conversation;
no need to think about what to talk about – the topic or purpose of the conversation is set by the coach;
you don’t even have to guess about the roles – first one tells, and the second asks questions, then they change.
When the frame of the conversation is set and the roles are defined, it is very easy to communicate with a wide variety of people.
“This is all very nice,” you might say, “but what is the practical use of this in real life? Why not take a coach with you everywhere, who will give you and your interlocutors tasks?
And yet there are benefits from such training.
FirstlyThey help make communication easier. Partly because you begin to fantasize less about others, consider them more cool and complex because of this. Partly because you see that no one rejects you. The result is a confidence that helps to communicate in everyday life.
Secondly, now you can use this life hack and set the rules of the conversation yourself. Not only you, but also your interlocutors often feel uncomfortable and glad if someone undertakes to organize a conversation.
For example, when I wanted to get to know a few people that I was afraid to just invite for a cup of tea, I came up with an unusual move. I blogged and offered to write an article about them for which I was to be interviewed. So I got a legal opportunity to ask these people all the questions that interest me (that is, I organized communication in a way that is convenient for me) and make them nishtyak – write an article about them. We became friends with many of these people.
Make it so that you are contacted
Many people suffer because they do not have like-minded people, but they do not know how to find them and then still be able to get to know them.
There are two fundamentally different ways to build relationships.
First – to go to people. Approach and get acquainted, be the first to call potential customers, in a word, take the first step.
Second way To get others to take that first step.
For example, you can come to a conference and get acquainted with those who aroused your interest during breaks. Or you can make an interesting presentation, and then people will be the first to get to know you. You can make cold calls in the hope of getting customers, or you can organize the incoming flow of leads with the help of content and advertising.
Although I give more examples related to business, this approach also works with personal acquaintances. I run a telegram channel about psychology, and several times it happened that communication under the post grew into closer acquaintances.
While writing, I remembered that Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted that there were times when he used his body as a natural excuse to talk.
Redesign your way of building relationships
Above, we talked about situations where you remove barriers that prevent you from communicating. For example, arrange things in such a way that people want to talk to you first. But there are situations when such tuning is not enough.
Sometimes the very way you build relationships with people needs to be redesigned.
For example, I did not develop relationships with girls for a long time, because I believed that it was imperative to be a secular lion with them, to amuse and entertain them endlessly. Otherwise, they will reject me, because no one wants to deal with a bore.
But I was not a socialite, and my attempts to mow under the king of the party looked strained – the girls had fun in moderation. As a result, I felt angry and powerless and tended to think that the problems were in the girls, that they were not smart enough, subtle, that they had problems with a sense of humor, etc.
I wandered inside this vicious circle for a long time, because I believed that the problem was not with me, but with the girls. Group psychotherapy helped break it.
How to get out of the matrix
What is the point of the group? You find yourself among strangers who have no relationship with you, who are not connected with you by friendship or obligations, and therefore can be honest with you (and you have more reason to believe them than your usual environment and the psychologist you pay). Since the group is a model of society in miniature, all your habitual ways of behaving appear in it.
For example, I was afraid of being rejected and therefore strove to pretend to be someone else. Naturally, the group noticed my desire, and we talked about why I am ashamed of myself.
– And how not to be ashamed? I’m not a secular lion, I don’t know how to speak easily and naturally, I explained. “I’m a bore, and who likes bores?”
“No, you are not a bore,” they told me, “rather you are deep. Weigh what you want to say. Don’t speak superficially. You are clever. Yes, and being the king of the party is not so cool, there is a lot of husk and empty talk.
And at that moment, something clicked. I saw the positive side of my “nerdiness” – depth, attention to detail, willingness to delve into and answer to the point. At the same time, I saw the dark side of the king of parties that I so wanted to become – superficiality, frivolity, emptiness, hidden by a shining candy wrapper. The former ideal lost its appeal, and self-acceptance increased.
The next time I asked a girl out on a date and found myself trying to entertain her (the old patterns are very persistent), I plucked up the courage and said:
– Listen, I try to seem interesting all the time, I joke, I tell something. But I don’t think you’re very interested.
And then it turned out that, firstly, it was interesting for her to listen to me, and secondly, there was absolutely no need for me to amuse her all the time. It turned out to be a funny thing. Previously, I set myself the task of making girls laugh, although they didn’t ask me about it, failed it (or so it seemed to me, now I don’t know), I was angry with myself, angry with the girls, curtailed relationships. Well, aren’t you stupid? But you could just ask, do they need my efforts? Maybe they would like me sad too.
However, without group therapy, I could not realize that I was creating problems for myself, and even more so I could not find ways to solve them.
When is a group useful?
You can talk about group psychotherapy endlessly (if you are interested in it, then it’s better watch this channel), but in short, this format is useful to learn how to communicate with people more effectively. Here are just a few reasons why a group is helpful for shy people.
You will be able to try new behavior. If you are a shy person and prefer to remain silent, then the group provides an excellent opportunity to try talking about yourself a little more and see how others react to it. It may turn out that they like to listen to you, that people appreciate your thoughts, that declaring yourself is not so scary. The group allows you to try out new behaviors and then bring them into your daily life.
Understand where someone else’s responsibility begins. It is very important to see not only those features of your behavior that create problems for you, but also not to take responsibility for someone else’s behavior. For example, if you correctly explained that you did not like the behavior of another person, and he was offended – well, this is his right, and you are not responsible for his feelings. The ability to set boundaries and not take on too much is very conducive to mental health.
See your strengths. The group is a huge source of support. In ordinary life, you are rarely told what qualities others value in you. In group therapy, participants often say, “You’re so supportive” or “I love the way you can keep yourself from getting hurt.” Well, if they don’t tell you, you can always ask 🙂
See that everyone has similar problems. Sometimes it seems that everything is fine with everyone, and only you have problems. The group instantly dispels this illusion. It turns out that everyone suffers from the same things, experiences the same emotions: sad, ashamed, afraid, angry, worried about their weight, lack of relationships or money. And as soon as you understand this, you immediately begin to feel better 🙂
As a person who has experience in both personal and group therapy, I can say that group therapy is better for working through difficulties associated with relationships with other people. And in combination with individual therapy, it is generally an ideal tool for deep changes. If the article seemed interesting, subscribe to my telegram channelwhere I write about various mental traps and life hacks that help to cope with them.
