Breathe, don't choke

Usually, everything was used, from reducing the number of tasks for a specific employee or changing the difficulty level to team building and a special work regime. Something helped better, something worse, rather, a specific tool had to be found individually.

This method is a fresh discovery of the last 6 months, and, as it seems to me, it is the quintessence of the meaning – why burnout occurs at all. Again, probably everyone knows the general approach, I will just present it in a more structured form.

What I will write below is not scientific (although it is quite similar to Pavlov's theory, yes, the same one who wrote about dogs and conditioned reflexes), but I test it on people around me and myself – it really helps to correct the situation. The theory is not mine, but the author gave the go-ahead to release it into the world. For those who like it short – go to the “Result” block, and I invite everyone else to immerse themselves in my story and a detailed explanation of the material.

My personal story

To maintain confidentiality, we will only dwell on my personal experience.

About a year ago, I found myself in an emotional hole. I didn't want to do anything, I was constantly dissatisfied with everything, I was constantly procrastinating my “brilliant” projects, I only had the strength to work and bury my nose in stupid videos on YouTube, simultaneously showering myself with condemnation for idleness.

And at some point I got tired of blaming myself. I sent all the inner voices to hell and started spending ALL my free time doing ONLY what I wanted at the moment.

I played computer games until the night, I could go for weeks without vacuuming or cleaning, I washed the dishes only if they all ended up in the sink and I had nothing to eat from, etc. But, most importantly, in the moment I ENJOYED the fact that I was doing only what I wanted right now, in the moment. I enjoyed the fact that I was a housewife, that I behaved like a teenager left without parents. I enjoyed the fact that I COULD REST!

And after six months of such “anabiotic” existence, I felt my strength returning. I noticed that I started cleaning regularly, I wanted to! wash the dishes in the evenings, so that in the morning they would meet me in the kitchen all clean.

And only later, when I felt the flow of energy almost without interruption, I came across the concept of “need” and “want”. Which laid out on the shelves why I felt so bad, and most importantly, how I was able to return.

To gain strength, it is important to maintain a balance between “need” and “want”»

In our lives we have basically two terminal states: “need” and “want”.

“Need” is when we strain ourselves, gather our courage and do something by force of will. “Want” is when we are relaxed and pleasant to ourselves, fooling around, having fun or in other ways giving in to an inner impulse.

It is impossible to live totally in one of these states. Because if you oversqueeze yourself, your psyche becomes overloaded and your strength simply switches off to force you to rest – and this is what develops apathy. With apathy (the extreme state of which is depression), you don't want anything, and even with willpower you can hardly do anything. If you constantly indulge your “I want”, then anxiety gradually develops: “Oh, I'm living my life in vain!” or “Well, the best years are over, and I could have done so much…”. Here, as you see, the brain, on the contrary, tries to give us a little “must”, to inspire us to feats. But feats with such thoughts do not work out very well, agree?..

And so the best analogy for these states is “breathing”. “Need” is inhalation, when we take in air and tense the diaphragm, and “want” is exhalation, when we relax the whole body and release pressure. And just as we cannot live without breathing, so the constant alternation of “need” and “want” helps us live smoothly, without distortions.

It is important to understand that for each person the ratio in life of “must” and “want” will be different. By the way, it will also be different for different periods of life: somewhere you need to hold your breath more or inhale more deeply, apply more willpower and do more “must”, and somewhere on the contrary, exhale more from yourself, cleanse yourself, nourish yourself with energy, desires and dreams, do “want”. Therefore, it is important to find the balance of personal “want” and “must” in a practical way.

However, before doing this, it is worth understanding whether you are in an imbalance, and if so, how strong it is.

How to distinguish between “need” and “want”?

There are 3 main criteria that I would suggest to collect into an abbreviation PROCEEDING for better memorization:

If we disclose it, we need to formulate it into questions:

There is Xcharacteristic of the result of an action? (to do an action in one way and not in another)
There is ABOUTobligations to yourself or other people?
There is Dedline?

If you answer “yes” to all three questions, then it's a real “must”. And if you answer “no” to all three questions, then it's a real “want”.

You can take your typical schedule and write it down in a table in 4 columns: action and these three criteria. And then, if you don’t like how you spend your day, then look at what is missing: relaxation or tension?

We have the option of “relaxing” or “collecting” the action through the above-mentioned criteria: removing or setting a deadline, not giving or giving a promise to ourselves/other people, doing something just like that or until a certain result.

For example, people often “go to the gym 3 times a week with a trainer, in the evening/morning, losing weight up to X kg/gaining weight by X kg” — and this is a really tough “must” according to all 3 criteria, which you either pull out by willpower or procrastinate. But if you remove the trainer or a certain result, or the number of times, etc., and just “go to the gym on the track” or “do sports when you are in the mood,” then there is space for “exhalation.”

“Then I won't do anything because I'll be 'breathing out'…”

“Then I won't do anything because I'll be 'breathing out'…” — This is the most common comment I come across.

And this shows that we are getting to the very bottom of this theory: if the guilt complex or the feeling of competition is sufficiently expressed, we can have both apathy and anxiety at the same time.

Do it no matter what!
You won't leave the table until you finish eating!
Why four and not five? Look, my friend has such an obedient son (daughter), and you?

My generation of 30-somethings and our parents' generation mostly grew up on the phrases above. We're used to comparison and guilt, which leads us into a cycle:

The cycle begins with good "I want to do something useful!" — *The cycle begins with the good “I want to do something useful!”*

Initially, we have some wonderful desire, for which the body releases energy, we run inspired and anticipating pleasure. Then we start doing it, gradually waste energy (which is quite logical), do not finish it right away (because it is rare to finish a project in one sitting), take a break from this task to rest… and start to get carried away: “Well, here I am, quitting again…” or “I can't finish anything…”

Notice what the most common productivity tips are:

You see, yes, how we push our initial desire from “I want” to “must”? And I’m not saying that setting SMART tasks is bad, but that for us the only known way to achieve is to clench our teeth even harder and continue to pull the strap.

But if you have ALREADY driven yourself into a low energy situation, then by demanding more, you are only drowning yourself more. It works not just as a vicious circle, but as a spiral that worsens the situation with each new turn. And we demand this of ourselves because:

Or come up with something else that is close to you.

But we no longer survive like our grandparents in houses with earthen floors. We no longer try to survive on pasta and potatoes during perestroika like our parents did in the 90s. We can already afford a little more freedom, even if not everything is as good as everyone would like.

So yes, it is possible that the “exhalation” period will be long. Very long. Mine was about half a year, given that I have no additional obligations like animals or family.

However, by and large, if you've been feeling sad for the last X amount of time, then trying this approach is the lesser of two evils, right? Maybe it will help.

“I don't have time for my hobbies”

“I want” is not always a hobby, although it can be. In order to start doing “I want” it is important for you to simply set aside time and do only what you want at the moment.

Want to stare at the wall? Ok, go ahead.

Want to listen to music? Ok, go ahead.

Want to strum the keys of a synthesizer? Ok, go ahead.

Want to play stupid games on your phone? Ok, go ahead.

Want to google the meaning of life? Ok, go ahead.

Want to read a book? Ok, go ahead.

It doesn't matter at all what exactly. Do whatever comes to mind at that time.

At first it seems that this will never work out. Especially if the thought is spinning in your head: “But time could be spent on more useful things!”

The important thing to focus on here is that you are like a car without gas: you are currently standing at a gas station and waiting for the tank to fill up, so you can't go anywhere.

Of course, it would be good if you immediately allocated at least a couple of hours a day for “I want”. However, this is not always possible. But 10-15 minutes is quite enough.

And no, don't tell me you don't have 15 minutes. We always greatly overestimate our busyness, especially when it comes to allocating 1530 minutes. And that's enough to get started and get a “taste” of the action, and then add some time on the weekend to savor it.

Involve your friends and family in this if you want support, the main thing is to do it, start.

Summary

Let me briefly repeat the theses of the entire article:

“Need” is tension, “inhale”, we do it with willpower. “I want” is relaxation, “exhale”, we give in to the impulse.
Extremes of “must” are apathy and depression, when you don't want anything due to overexertion. Extremes of “want” are anxiety, because you are not doing something important in life.
In order to “breathe” and not “suffocate”, it is important to maintain a balance between “need” and “want”, but for each person and for each period of life the ratio will be different.
There are three main criteria that fit into the abbreviation KHOD: characteristics, obligations, deadline. If we formulate them as questions:
- is there a prescribed result for an action? (do the action this way and not another way)
- Do you have any obligations to yourself or other people?
- is there a deadline?
If you answer “yes” to all three questions, then it's a straight-up “must”. And if you answer “no” to all three questions, then it's a straight-up “want”.
We have the option to “relax” or “collect” actions through the above-mentioned criteria.
If a person has a guilt complex and/or a sense of competition, then there may be both apathy and anxiety at the same time, and this will be an endless worsening cycle. Because if you have ALREADY driven yourself into a low-energy situation, then by demanding more, you only drown yourself more.
If you have squeezed yourself, it is important to let go, “exhale” to gain energy. The “exhale” period can be very long (from several minutes/hours to a year). It depends on how much you have depleted your body's reserves.
You can start “exhaling” starting with 10-15 minutes a day. We greatly overestimate our busyness, especially when it comes to a short period of time. On weekends, you can increase it.
How to do “I want”? It is important for you to simply set aside time and do only what you want at the moment without planning anything. From staring at the wall to jumping on the bed – the main thing is that you want it at the moment.
If the thought is in your head: “But time could be spent on more useful things!”it is important to keep the focus on the fact that you are like a car without gas: now you are standing at a gas station and waiting for the tank to fill up, so you cannot go anywhere.

I really believe in what I wrote, because it is, first of all, my personal experience. Now I have a lot of strength and desires: I am actively (albeit forcedly) engaged in health, I work, do creative projects, study at a university. And all this would not have been possible without a period of calm, when I did only the bare minimum. Yes, I even got around to writing this article only when I had gathered enough strength!

And I will be very glad if the concept of “need” and “want” helps someone who reads it.

I know that some people will resist because they have a lot of commitments and they can’t just “switch off” for six months. I have only one phrase for this: